"Ill-prepared.  I feel ill-prepared.

I feel like I came here with the wrong mindset.

I came here expecting to gain a lot;

I didn't come here expecting to serve."

That's what *Trent shared tonight during Family Time (aka Team Time) when the students were asked to share how they felt.  He was referring to biting the bullet and bunking it up sardine-style in the Christian Frat House with the rest of the guys on our team while the girls reside more comfortably in a fully-furnished house closer to the UC Berkeley campus.  

Ironically enough, I felt like what he shared kind of resonated with me.  During a lot of this internship year I've felt ill-prepared; even now that I'm staffing the Epic San Francisco Project, I still feel insecure in my ability to lead at times.  The only difference between me and *Trent is that I did come here expecting to serve.  I applied for this internship knowing full-well that I would serve-- and I was excited about it.  I am excited about it.  (I love my job :).  But I've also come to realize that it's tough work, that there are growing pains that come with choosing to put yourself in a position to be used and challenged by God.  And sometimes you question why you chose to do this in the first place because it's not at all like what you expected.  This past year of raising support, moving to a brand new city, choosing to invest in girls I'd never met, saying goodbye to those students I'd come to love in order to serve in LA next year-- all of that was so much more difficult that I'd ever imagined it could be.  But at the same time... I wouldn't take back this year even if I had the chance.  Throwing yourself into the gust of God's wind can be uncomfortable, but so worth it.  

So when *Trent gave that spiel about being 'ill-prepared,' I couldn't help but smile a little to myself, because I knew that he wasn't complaining for the sake of complaining or even just because he's a brat.  (He's not).  I know that God will use him despite the fact that he feels ill-prepared.  I know that he'll gain a lot by humbly learning to be the servant he didn't intend to be when he signed up for Summer Project.  Because even if he didn't know it the moment that he said it, I knew that there was an implied 'but' at the end of that sentence.  

"I came here to gain a lot;

I didn't come here to serve...

BUT here I am.  And I am willing

to let God grow me and stretch me.

I know He can use me despite myself."

And I, for one, am so eager to see that unfold even more-- in Trent's life, in my life, the other students on campus, and the lives of the students they meet.  :)