[on letting go]

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I didn't think I did either. At least, not until I saw my baby nephew being wheeled into the hospital hallway exactly one week and 14 hours ago. I had just flown home from Summer Project in Berkeley/San Francisco and had made it just in time to welcome him into the world.

I expected a red-faced, screaming baby with a squished face to be wheeled into the hallway-- after all, don't most babies come out something like that? Not this one. He was so... tiny. So... quiet! His arms and legs were all swaddled up in a snug little baby blanket; only his head was peeking out from underneath a little knitted cap. And as my mother, sister, and I simultaneously burst into joyful tears, he simply stared at us in silent wonder. My mom described it to me later as a wave of overwhelming emotion, an outpour of love that could only manifest itself in tears-- all for this one baby.


I looked at my mother and wondered: what must it have been like to go through all of this for three children? To go through such pain for our sake? To be overwhelmed with love at first sight for us? To help us learn to walk and to speak? To let us make mistakes and fall and scrape our knees? To let us grow up and fly off to college or different countries? To willingly allow us to walk away with pieces of her heart? To let us go, we who were once her little ones?

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This year I feel like I've gotten a taste of parenthood.

Let me explain. I spent a year serving the Lord through the Epic Movement in Davis. And when the school year was over, I left. I left my "babies" behind-- all the students I had invested in, the women I had discipled and mentored, all of it. And I had to trust that God's plan for them was always bigger and better than... well, me. That in letting them go, in saying goodbye, I would be allowing them to walk on their own and to walk by faith even more. In letting go, I was giving them the freedom to fail, the environment to grow, and the chance to trust.

And a similar thing happened with Summer Project this year. It was the first time I'd ever staffed a project, worked behind the scenes, and entrusted leadership into the hands of students. You see, for Stateside Summer Projects, staff only stick around for 4 weeks. We pass on leadership positions to every student that we leave behind-- like project director, bible study leader, and community service chair-- and entrust them to run their own project, that the gospel of Christ would be proclaimed by this next generation to the next generation. In previous years, as a student on project, I remember feeling stunned that I was entrusted with a leadership role, but excited by the prospect that God would use me somehow-- it was strangely empowering.

In spite of the fact that I had experienced that kind of empowerment on project and learned so much from the experience, I found myself so hesitant to leave my students this summer. It wasn't because I didn't trust that these 15 students would do an amazing job on their own for the last 2 1/2 more weeks of project. It was simply because of the "what if's." What if this goes wrong or that? How can I set them up in such a way that it's smooth sailing? And underlying those questions, this one simple sentiment: I don't want them to know what it feels like to fail-- I want them to succeed. I want to take care of things for them, to protect them.


And then I realized that it wasn't my job. It's not my job to make sure they never fail. It's not my job to guarantee smooth sailing and zero conflicts for all of them. All I can do is invest in them, love on them, give some advice, and point them towards Christ. They call it a walk with the Lord for a reason, don't they? It's not a smooth ride. It requires putting one foot in front of the other by faith, and sometimes falling down and screwing up in the process. But if you never have the chance to walk on your own, you never have the chance to pick yourself back up when you fail and to trust that He is good regardless. Just a thought.

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So I'm thinking about my mom. And I'm thinking about this year and letting go. I'm thinking about project. And I'm thinking about my new, adorable little nephew. And I know that I can't shelter him completely from the brokenness of this world, the heartache he'll encounter and experience, loneliness or pain-- as much as I want to. I know that in some ways I will have to let him go. And while I can't save him from all of those things, I can point him to our Saviour who heals the brokenness, who can handle our heartache, and who walks with us through loneliness and pain. And I pray that those things give him the chance to trust that our God is good and that He is a God who saves.

[just the touch of Your hand]

When we brought our group of 15 students and 8 staff to volunteer at a children's daycare in the heart of Oakland, I just assumed we'd be babysitting for an afternoon, that we would just be volunteering time and man-power-- which was fine with me. I had no idea how much it would affect me and break my heart.

You see, my childhood is full of memories of piggy-back rides around the house, goodnight kisses on the forehead, holding hands while walking across the street; I've always known what it feels like to feel safe in the arms of my parents, to reach for the hands that protect. (Thanks, Mom and Dad :0). I realized yesterday afternoon how much of a blessing it is to have grown up in that environment.

We brought our group to Harbor House, a holistic ministry that ministers to high-risk households in inner-city Oakland, which provides spiritual, physical, economic, and educational help and development. Our job was to help out with their kids' summer program, which includes children from kindergarten up to junior high. Before interacting with the kids, we were briefed on how most of these children come from high-risk households and most likely don't receive a lot of positive physical contact with adults.

Our liaison told us: "Don't be afraid to hold them, to carry them-- just love on them. They need it; they crave it. Hold their hands. Let them know what healthy, loving, positive touch looks and feels like."

At first, I thought to myself, "These kid don't even know us and they seem pretty shy. I doubt that they'll want anything to do with us." The next thing I knew, the stoic nine-year-old girl at my side with curly brown hair and light hazel eyes uncrossed her arms and slipped her little hand into mine. I just about melted away right then and there.

Like a long line of little ants, we made our way-- all 70 or 80 of us staff and children together-- up to the Bella Vista Park, our field-trip destination. After running around and playing some games (a hectic round of freeze tag included), we just spent our time bonding with the kids at the park. Before I knew it, I had a little girl sitting in my lap, a different girl holding each of my hands, and two more putting little braids in my hair to match theirs. And while we played and giggled together, it was in the still moments that I looked in their eyes and saw a hunger for love, for attention-- to be seen, and heard, and valued. I was glad that, even if only for an afternoon, I could be a glimpse of God's heart towards them.

We came home last night and had a guest speaker, Doug Schindler, speak to us about "The Touch of Jesus," which chronicles each event of Christ reaching out and touching people. As I poured over these different events, I realized that Christ never had to use touch to get His point across. He never had to lay a finger on the sick, the blind, and the dead in order to heal them. He never had to take children in His arms to bless them. He never had to take Peter by the hand to keep him from sinking amidst the waves. But He did. He made it a point to be personal, to tend His sheep, to reach out a hand to His children. I wonder if it was because He saw that same look in their eyes that I saw in those kids yesterday.

And when I think more about it, I realize that the Lord has always been reaching out to His creation, ever since the beginning of the world. He has always made the first move to have a relationship with us-- to reach out and form us, to send down His son for us. It blows my mind.

Lord, You have always reached out to touch us,

to treat us with loving-kindness.

Please help me and my team communicate

this personal gospel to the world.

[pictures always make things better =]

Hello, friends and family!  :) I feel like I have so much to update you on.  Let me give you a little picture update to catch you up on what we've been up to for the past two weeks.  

1. We've been going out 'sharing' on campus.  (Sharing is our short way of saying "sharing the gospel with others" on campus).  Every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday we've been going off in pairs to strike up intentional, spiritual conversations with students on the campus of UC Berkeley.  Before coming here, I had the preconceived notion that it was going to be really hard to broach the topic of Christ with students here just because it's such a liberal school, full of very opinionated people who are very vocal about their passions and what they stand for.  It was quite a surprise to realize that most students are actually pretty open to discussing beliefs in general-- maybe it's because they're used to people voicing what they're passionate about anyway?  :)  Anyway, it's been awesome to come alongside the students on our project as they step out in faith to share with others that God loves them and wants to have a relationship with them.  For many of them it's the first time they've ever talked to others about their faith.  It makes my heart swell to know that they are making sharing their faith a habit during project-- a habit I hope will turn into a lifestyle of letting others in on the joy of loving and living for Christ.  (Pictured above are Chris, Vinnie (also staff), Lauren, and I with *Stacey in the middle, an exchange student from Taiwan who prayed to receive Christ yesterday!)
2. We've also been volunteering at a Salvation Army center every Wednesday.  It's been awesome being able to come alongside another ministry whose purpose is also to reach out and bless others.  We split our team up into groups to help with weeding the garden, sorting food/books,/supplies, wrapping birthday presents for people living at the free shelter, and helping them set up for VBS.  (Pictured to the right is my group wrapping presents for the children at the shelter).
3. We had a FREE BBQ for our neighborhood this past Monday.  As a project we're not only trying to focus on reaching out to students on campus; we're also trying to have a presence in our communities as well.  We made signs, went door-to-door, and stood on the street to offer free food to anyone and everyone.  We had a some neighbors come, some UC Berkeley students come, some homeless people come, and some just plain random people.  People couldn't understand why we wanted to offer free food; it gave us a great opportunity to build relationships and talk about how we wanted to be the hands and feet of Christ this summer, sharing His love in word and in deed.  (Pictured to the left is one of our students inviting people to our BBQ with a handmade sign and cheerful balloon!  :0)
4. We had our grand Launch Day on campus yesterday.  Since we're trying to launch an Epic Movement at UC Berkeley, we have to start with a students who are aligned with the vision of Epic: making sure everyone knows someone who truly follows Christ, so that they have the chance to hear the gospel and know Him personally too.  Therefore, we spent all of yesterday handing out fliers on campus for a FREE BOBA EVENT (which we made ourselves), where Josh Chen (one of our staff) gave a 7-minute presentation of who we are, what we believe, and why we exist as a movement.  His talk got me even more excited about being on staff here and interning again in the fall!  =]  (I love having the opportunity to invest in students and point them to Christ).  We had around 10 students join us yesterday for free boba and to hear Josh's spiel, which was super exciting.  Please pray that we'll be able to gather a small group of missional students who want to see their campus reached for Christ through the Epic Movement!  :)  (Pictured right are some of students on project with a girl [in green] who came to check out our event!)

I have so much more to share, but that's just a glimpse of what I've been up to on project!  :)  Thank you for all your encouraging notes and prayers!